Impotency in this long list of associations is what I have taken to capture a whole range of emotions. feelings and sensations that I have experienced and continue to endure when confronted with a particular kind of stuff that makes me feel powerless, arrested, inadequate, guilty, incompetent, worthless, angry, shocked, horrified, fearful, paralysed, useless, ineffective, small, invisible, untrue, unreal, and/or, simply a piece of shit. While undoubtedly the entire list below (and these are just a few on top of my head) has also driven me to action and transformation, they all continue to be my weakness and the dominant sources of my pain and suffering.

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Impotency, the histories of violence that made me before I could make myself

Impotency. the whitewashing of histories of violence to disable the knowing of what made me

Impotency, the norms that have dictated I fall outside the normal

Impotency, the struggle to fit in, to belong

Impotency, the racialized, gendered, ableist and sexualized distance between who you want to be and who you are

Impotency is the classroom

Impotency is speaking in class

Impotency is Language

Impotency is football

Impotency is being called a Faggot

Impotency is being bullied

Impotency is having no friends

Impotency is being home alone

Impotency is desiring to be White

Impotency is not being White

Impotency, the culture that hates women that forced me to kill my femininity

Impotency is the contradictions of my masculinity

Impotency is Silence

Impotency is violence and conditional love

Impotency is fear

Impotency is divorce

Impotency is being ashamed of your mother

Impotency is your mother being ashamed of you

Impotency is being ashamed of yourself

Impotency is Cancer

Impotency is living with death

Impotency is diosito mio, cura a mi mamita

Impotency is the coffin

Impotency is God

Impotency is Colonialism & Western White Supremacy

Impotency is my father

Impotency is the Holocaust

Impotency is being different but not knowing why

Impotency: taboos 

Impotency is masturbation

Impotency is porn

Impotency is sex

Impotency is unfulfilled desires

Impotency, my former lovers

Impotency is Gaza 2008

Impotency is Palestine

Impotency is Nabi Saleh

Impotency is Mustafa Tamimi

Impotency is the checkpoint

Impotency is being stopped and searched

Impotency is witnessing someone else being stopped and searched

Impotency is police violence

Impotency, the uncountable number of security cameras invading our streets

Impotency is my body

Impotency is getting a complement

Impotency is giving a complement

Impotency is looking into the mirror, the estrangement…

Impotency: the lies I have told myself to be less me and more someone else

Impotency, not being who you want me to be

Impotency, wanting to be who I think you´d want me to be

Impotency, the inability to make you happy

Impotency, the inability to give you what you need and deserve

Impotency is not daring to say I Love you

Impotency is not daring to say I am Sorry

Impotency is Facebook

Impotency is unanswered emails

Impotency are the thirty open tabs on my computer screen

Impotency is smoking yet another cigarette

Impotency is McDonalds

Impotency is Academia

Impotency is postmodern language

Impotency is Foucault

Impotency is Judith Butler

Impotency is white heterosexual cis men

Impotency is heteronormativity

Impotency is sleeping next to you

Impotency is not daring to touch you, hold you

Impotency is the past and the ¨what if´s…¨

Impotency is your absence

Impotency is discovering the truth

Impotency is learning the truth about yourself

Impotency is understanding HIStory

Impotency, the Egyptian Revolution

Impotency, the Egyptian Military

Impotency, Arabic

Impotency, Nairobi Slums

Impotency, New Delhi Slums

Impotency, Cairo Slums

Impotency is not belonging

Impotency. thinking, thinking, thinking

Impotency is my brother, my love

Impotency is the capitalist white supremacist imperialist patriarchy

Impotency is rejection

Impotency is to never fully have you

Impotency is looking into your eyes

Impotency is when you look into mine

Impotency is being criticized

Impotency is being yelled at

Impotency is being unable to tell you that you are beautiful, that I care about you, that you are my lifeline, my hero, my strength, my weakness, my love, my hate, my sorrow, my pain, my refuge, my home

Impotency is not kissing you goodnight

Impotency is not overcoming my pride and stubbornness, and tell you. you are right…

Impotency is holding you, trying to let you go

Impotency, meeting eyes with a houseless person

Impotency is Fortress Europe

Impotency is Zwarte Piet

Impotency is Slavery

Impotency is Rishi Chandrikasing

Impotency is Injustice

Impotency is Geert Wilders

Impotency is the Dutch political establishment

Impotency is corporate advertisement

Impotency is mainstream news

Impotency is Orientalism & the Hatred of Muslims

Impotency is the white left

Impotency is activism

Impotency is not daring to admit failure, weakness

Impotency, the Hatred of Women

Impotency is your legal status

Impotency is your bulimia

Impotency is your alcoholism

Impotency is the closet

Impotency is your depression

Impotency is your insecurities

Impotency is your heart-break

Impotency is your pain

Impotency: your tears

Impotency is not being able to tell you with all my heart, god, You deserve so much better!

Impotency is the uncertainty of tomorrow

Impotency is the pain, the suffering and the trauma whose source, perpetrator and truth have no name, no face–just feeling

Impotency is this, all of this

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